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Motherhood, Parenting

A funny look at life before vs after kids

Olivia White by Olivia White
December 7th, 2017
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There is no doubt your life changes once you have kids. You have an idea in your mind of how it will go, but nothing can really prepare you for the changes about to happen. Time moves differently when you’re a parent, and the simplest of tasks can become an all day affair sometimes. Here’s how some of my daily routine has changed since having kids…

LEAVING THE HOUSE

Pre-kids: Walk out the door – done!

Post-kids: Search for my keys that have been dropped into the abyss that is the toy-box. Yell at one or more children to put their shoes on. Have an argument about why shorts and a singlet is not appropriate for sub-zero degree weather. Negotiate several bags and children out the door and into the car, only to realise you’re about an hour late for whatever it was you were going to.

Getting ready with the gals. Not anymoreeeeeee.

Getting ready with the gals. Not anymoreeeeeee.

GET READY FOR A NIGHT OUT

Pre-kids: Apply tan the night before. Start doing your hair and makeup four hours before, while enjoying pre-drinks with your girlfriends. Trade outfits several times before wearing something of your girlfriends.

Post-kids: Spend four hours pumping breast milk, tan only the body parts visible, put on all the pairs of spanx you own and re-adjust your mum bun.

GOING TO WORK

Pre-kids: Checking the clock and your annual leave balance several times a day. Hoping no one talks to you. Checking your phone every five minutes. Using sick days to go shopping or binge watch Gossip Girl.

Post-kids: Skipping in the door rain, hail or shine. Enjoying adult conversations. Eating your lunch without having to share, while it’s STILL hot. Getting anxiety every time your phone beeps or rings, praying it is not daycare. Only using sick days when your child’s sick, not you.

PERSONAL MAINTENANCE

Pre-kids: Weekly nail, tan and hair appointments. Perfectly landscaped fanny hair and regular leg and brow waxing.

Post-kids: Shaving the bottom half of your legs in an emergency with your husband’s razor and opting for closed toe shoes ALWAYS.

DATE NIGHT

Pre-kids: Romantic three course dinners, followed by a movie or a stroll around town, perhaps a few drinks at the bar.

Post-kids: Mostly discussing other people’s poo and opting to go home and sleep instead of the movie.

HOLIDAY

Pre-kids: Relaxing beachside getaway, drinking pool side and lathering yourself in coconut oil while you tan and read a book.

Post-kids: Mostly wrangling zoo animals in the pool with a t-shirt over your one piece and checking the cost difference to get an earlier flight home.

The 'old' me. Good times.

The ‘old’ me. Good times.

GOING SHOPPING

Pre-kids: Casually strolling around the shopping centre, trying on several items in each store, stopping for a spot of lunch and then walking out with arms full of new designer clothes for yourself.

Post-kids: Passing around looking for the one shop you came in for, cursing the fact you know where nothing is because it’s all changed since you came here last century and they’ve double the centre size – wondering why the fuck you even brought the kids or didn’t just buy it online.

This article was originally published as ‘Pre Kids vs Post Kid’ on House of White. You can check out Olivia’s fab blog here.

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