When I saw this pic of a mum saying goodbye to her oldest child before she gave birth I was mesmerised. It took me back to the moment I was about to give birth to my second son. It was a scheduled c-section so I knew exactly when my eldest son Raff was about to no longer be the ‘only child.’
I remember looking at him when I was leaving to go to the hospital…I shed a tear and felt really guilty. I was sad for him that he wasn’t going to have me all to himself and also extremely scared he might think he was ‘left behind.’ I pictured him wondering what happened to his mum that had all the time in the world for him…was extremely patient and always available. Was he going to think I didn’t love him as much?
I know it sounds silly – and in hindsight he transitioned as well as expected. But I didn’t. It took me months to not feel guilty when I had to tell him to wait until I finished feeding the baby, or no I can’t cuddle you because I have to hold the baby, or Daddy has to take you to the park. I wanted to be with him every waking minute but I couldn’t.
My heart felt like it was breaking every time I looked at him. I had thoughts where I would wish I hadn’t forced change upon our ‘perfect’ little situation.
Naturally, this guilt faded away and now I can’t even imagine our family without my second little ratbag. But I will never forget that last little hug I had with my eldest before he became a big brother.
Did you have these feelings when you added a new baby to your family?
Image taken by Oregon-based birth photographer Laura Paulescu.