No matter what hole your baby comes out of, vaginal or sun roof, every single birth is different. However, there are some hard truths that only women who have had a c-section will truly understand. Here they are in all their glory.
1. That the giant needle-to-the-spine to prevent pain hurts like a motherfu*ker going in
2. The cold fear that enters your heart as you’re strapped down to a table while fully conscious (You watched “Dexter,” too, right?)
3. That you will be simultaneously shaved and catheterized before the numbing meds kick in (WTF!)
4. The smothering sensation of at least two doctors pressing their full body weight on your rib cage to pop your baby out
5. That it’s entirely possible for that baby to shoot out of a slit that’s half the size of your palm6. The gratefulness you’ll feel that there’s a curtain concealing everything…
7. …even though you can hear everything,including the word “scalpel”
8. That nothing is scarier than hearing the word “scalpel” while being strapped to a table
9. …except the thought of standing/walking/sneezing/coughing/pooping/peeing after your surgery
10. That it’s entirely possible to vomit while lying perfectly flat on your back — but not inhale it — thanks to the quick-as-a-whip nurse who angles your head.
11. The wonder that your doctor pretty much took you apart and put you back together again — and she got it all right!
12. That your uterus may have been housing a mini boxer for the last 9+ months, but that was nothing compared to the beatdown your doctor just gave it
13. The evil that lurks deep within the souls of the people who force you to get out of bed hours after that beatdown
14. That you can breastfeed after you’ve had a C-Section…
15. …but the lactation consultant telling you to nurse on your side so you can “rest” is most definitely batsh*t
16. That post-C-Section pooches don’t give a damn about crunches, Pilates, or, for that matter, voodoo magic
17. The miracle of high-waisted granny panties is second only to the mythical magic of those so-ugly-but-so-comfortable mesh undies
18. That walking a block during those first few weeks after a C-section takes the courage of seven lions
19. That you may not have pushed an 8-pounder out, but you’re still going to cling to that no-sex-for-six-weeks rule like a newborn to a nipple
20. To say you’re disappointed that you didn’t have a vaginal birth…but secretly feel thankful that your lady parts are still nice ‘n’ tight
This piece was originally posted on Mumtastic as 21 things Only Mums Who Have Had C-Sections Will Know.