I still shudder when I think about my first kiss. I was so young, looking back I still can’t believe I actually did it.
It was at school camp and I was just TEN years old and in grade five. His name was Brendan and he was in grade six. He was my ‘boyfriend’ and I swear, I still remember how gorgeous he was. He was funny and nice and he loved Def Leppard and Motley Crue just like I did, so you know, we were a match made in heaven.
That was until we actually kissed. When he said he wanted to “get on” with me, I was so terrified I called my much wiser-to-the-pash girlfriends to give me a quick rundown of how you actually did it. “You just turn your head like this,” said my friend Kathy, “open your mouth, and sort of flick your tongue in and out.”
It sounded GROSS to the power of 100, but I was determined to make this big leap into the next level of our relationship. Who knows, maybe we would get married one day?
When the big moment came, we were in a tent together (WHERE were the teachers???) and he just grabbed me and we went for it. It was AWFUL. I don’t think either of us knew what the hell we were doing, so in fairness, I’m sure he has improved on his technique since then. But in that moment, it was like a baptism-by-tongue. My beloved Brendan basically licked my entire face and I felt like I was being swallowed whole. We tried once more the next day until I realised pashing just wasn’t for me and told him I’d rather just hold hands. When we got back to school, he dumped me and I was heartbroken.
I spent the next few years obsessing over him and I’m sure he hasn’t thought about me since that day he sent his friend over to tell me I was “dropped.” Funnily enough, I do still think about him from time to time, with his dreamy brown eyes and Def Leppard T-shirt, and wonder what he’s up to and where his life has taken him.
Here, the hilarious Claire Hooper talks to Monty On The Couch about some of her “firsts”…