Am I crazy or is this normal-ish?
I know there’s something wrong with me and I’d do anything to fix it. No, it’s not tinea or an STD. It’s much worse! I’m just hoping that I’m not the only one going through this. Here goes…
When I say goodbye to my husband as he goes off for a surf, still half asleep and with one eye open, I smile, give him a kiss and say, “have fun, I love you”, like I don’t have a care in the world. Inside, however, I’m yelling and screaming, slamming my fist down saying “don’t go – please don’t die”. I know this must sound like I’m a crazy over protective wife, maybe I am, but it’s an actual problem I have.
It started about 12 years ago when I was living in Queensland and my Dad called to tell me that my uncle had died in a car accident. From that moment, I’ve been crippled with worry about my loved ones and losing them, realising how precious life is and how everything can change in a split second. After giving birth to my second baby boy, Alfie, so my worry has just gone to the next level.
Sometimes I get horrible thoughts that I am too scared to tell other mums in case they report me or judge me with their judgy mum eyes. You know the judgy-mum-eye look, we’ve all experienced it at some stage. You see, I have clear visions of my worst fears coming true. Sometimes when I’m walking down the hallway at home, holding my delicious baby, I’ll actually hear the sound of his head cracking on the wooden floor boards as he slips out of my arms and falls head first onto the hard floor. Obviously, this never happens and I cling onto him so tight just to make sure of that. But I see and hear the vision so clearly.
The worst is when my husband Jimmy goes somewhere with the two boys in the car and shortly after they leave I imagine receiving a call telling me there was an accident. I even go so far as to think, how will I live without them? I couldn’t go on, how would I end it all? It’s so morbid I know, and I’m actually a really happy and easy going person, this makes me sound dark and depressing. I promise I’m not.
The problem becomes obsessive when my parents go overseas as they do every year. While they’re away, I’m on 24 hour social media watch, scanning the news for a plane crash or bombing where Aussies are killed, expecting to see my parents’ names. It’s terrible.
I realised the severity of my problem over a year ago when my husband Jimmy was surfing and had taken much longer to get home than usual. I was lying with my 4 year old on my bed when there was a knock at the front door. I looked out my window and saw two men in blue shirts at my door. Instantly I thought it was the police, here to tell me that my husband had been involved in a head on car crash on his way to the surf and had not survived. (My thoughts are rather specific). My knees weakened as I walked towards the front door and as I opened it, I crumpled to the ground. I started to get hot and clammy and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was going through the real emotions of “shock” as I anticipated that my worst nightmare had come true . As I looked up to hear the devastating news that I’d lost my husband, the two men held out a pamphlet titled “In God’s Hands”. They were bloody Mormons! I’ve never been so happy to see Mormons at my door than I was that day.
Thank God, Jimmy arrived home shortly after. I was so ashamed that I never told him what happened.
I call my problem the worrying-about-losing-my-loved-ones-syndrome. I find that the more I love, the more I have to lose. Sometimes I ask myself why do I keep having children? It’s just another person to worry about! I wonder, does anyone else suffer from this, and if so, how the hell do I fix it?
Do you suffer from ‘worrying about losing your loved ones’ syndrome?