I have have been a mum for over five years now and am currently pregnant with my third bede. Even though I have been through the sleepless nights and body changes that come with having kids, I still manange to get surprised, for the good and the bad. There is nothing more comforting than picking up the phone and calling a mate to discuss nipple size or baby puke and then hanging up feeling relieved that they have experienced it too.
Let me give you the top 10 things every woman should be aware of before entering into the mysterious world of motherhood. Share these with your friends too. There is no time in our life that we need confirmation that we are ‘normal’.
1. Your “bits” will be SUPER large before your baby arrives. Hot, I know, but it happens to all of us, even Beyonce, so we are not alone. Body parts bloat, expand and stretch.
2. Your nipples will face your feet post birth, even if you don’t breastfeed. There seems to be a strong correlation between heaving out a baby and south facing nips.
3. You’ll tie your shoelaces while taking a wee at the same time. This isn’t an easy feat, rather impressive actually.
4. After you discover your friends kid sleeps through the night you will spend the next month scrolling through the internet and every book you can find to get your babe to sleep longer…that is of course until you then decide to use the technique ‘who the fuck cares, just get them to sleep anyway you can’.
5. You will start the same conversation about seven times and never get to finish it before just giving up
6. You will spend at least an hour a day counting how many hours of sleep you got the night before. This is a long process because in the sleep deprived state that you find yourself in, counting is as hard as speaking Chinese.
7.You will talk about poo colour way more often than you’d like to admit. You will also spend way more time looking at poo and actually finding it fascinating as well.
8. Showering alone is a part of your past. Or if you do get a solo shower and make it past 35 seconds you are nailing life. Bravo.
9. Trying to chat on your mobile is a rookie mistake, texting is your new best friend. You will learn to text, change a nappy and sip a cup of tea all at once. God mums are talented.
10. Eating sitting down is a luxury. Indigestion, half eaten sandwiches and sharing EVERY bit of food is your world.
I realize that the last nine points are all a tad negative and whingy, but forgive me I’m a sleep deprived, saggy boobed mum. Even though every thing you have read so far is spot on the money so is this last point, the best one of them all.
The most incredible thing in the world is the sound of your kids cracking up. Seeing them laugh and have fun is better than a squillion Christmas’s all at once and I bloody love Christmas. A little smile, laugh or cuddle makes poo, spew and the hideous bags under your eyes tolerable.
This little slice of reality is brought to you by your loving friends at Show+Tell.