Celebrity, Entertainment

The pregnancy rules Meghan has to follow now she’s up the duff

Melissa Imbesi by Melissa Imbesi
October 16th, 2018

As soon as that last bit of wee dribbles out and those two lines appear on a pregnancy test, life changes. Sometimes it’s a little and sometimes it’s a lot, but it’s safe to say that most of us adopt a new set of rules to live by for the nine months we’re incubating our little lady or gent. For some of us, those changes look like swearing off soft cheese and sushi and for others, it’s swerving our weight lifting sessions or that nightly glass of red. The ‘rules’ are really just suggested guidelines and as expectant mums, we can generally choose which ones we think are worth following and which might be a bit of BS.

HOWEVER. If you’re a member of the royal fam, the ‘take it or leave it’ attitude towards pregnancy rules isn’t as lax.

The world has been losing its mind buzzing with the news that the Duchess of Sussex (AKA the woman formerly known as Meghan Markle) is up the duff as a result of potentially having some very hot newlywed sex with Hazza all day, erryday. It is lovely news, as baby news always is, but there is an extra element of protocol that comes when the child growing in your womb is joining the fanciest family of them all. I’ll bet Meghan’s wishing soft cheese was her only concern…

Baby showers are a no-no

that no baby shower rule is tops. who even wants this?

I mean, this one is just as much of a freakin’ blessing as the babe in her tum – ‘cos NO ONE really enjoys eating finger sandwiches and playing that dumb peg game. According to Victoria Arbiter, an expert in all things royal, baby showers are totes inappropes because “There’s nothing they can’t go out and buy themselves.” Fair enough.

Adios, travel

This one is a bit awks, ‘cos Meghan literally announced this pregnancy while on the other side of the world, but it’s suggested that royal mamas-to-be keep their big trips to a minimum in the event that they become ill or something requiring immediate medical attention happens.

Nope.

They’ll be no gender reveal party

We’ll kick it like 1974 and actually have to wait until the baby is born to find out the sex, which is standard procedure for royal babies. If Harry and Meghan end up finding out, I really hope she doesn’t tell anyone on her side of the family (except for that glorious mum of hers) – it’ll be on the cover of Woman’s Day in an hour.

Queenie gets the first call

‘Cos she’s the chief, Harry’s nanna will be the first person to know when the baby has exited Meghan’s vagina or tum. We can just imagine Her Maj jumping up and down and screaming excitedly down the phone at 2am…”OMG! What did she have?!?”  *This is doubtful.

No pics before the Christening

Prince George on his christening day

The first good look at this baby (except for the pics outside the maternity ward, which could be a stunt baby for all we know) will be at its Christening. This is likely going to be several weeks after the birth, where the babe will be dolled up in the teeniest wedding dress you’ve ever seen.

Loads of names, but no surname

Agreeing on a name won’t be so hard, because it’s more than likely that this lil guy or gal will have three or four of them. As is royal custom, the names are long AF and no one really uses them all, but if Harry likes ‘Duncan’ and Meghan fancies ‘Gary’, there’s zero arguments because they both get a run. When it comes to surnames though, the royals like to keep it minimal. Like ‘Madonna’ or ‘Slash’, no one cares about or will ever use the surname – however it is likely that this kid will use ‘Sussex’, as Harry used ‘Wales’ and Eugenie used ‘York.’ You get it. Also, WTF is the royal family’s actual surname?

Meghan and Haz will BOTH take parental leave

We’re giving this the big thumbs up, ‘cos mums and dads need a break from all those official duties. This’ll be unpaid, of course.

There’s probably loads more to the royal pregnancy rule book, but that’ll do for now. Turns out, some of these are actually a bit of a blessing in disguise, so being a knocked-up Duchess might be sweeter than we all thought.

Nadia Bartel spoke to us about her pregnancy with son Aston when we had her On the Couch and you can listen in pod form below. Subscribe here for more convos your ear holes will love.

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