Last night while watching MAFS, I found myself feeling sympathetic to the situation The Contestant Formerly Known As Virgin Matt’s untouched penis had found itself in. I felt borderline squeamish watching this grown man double-over with stomach pains every time the sun went down and the terrifying prospect of touching his new ‘wife’ was on the cards. I wanted him to just excuse himself and rush back into the safety of his mother’s bosom for protection from all the ridicule he was undoubtedly going to cop.
But then, I remembered that I was watching MAFS and Matthew would have known exactly what he was getting himself into; a deal that ensured we all got front row seats to his first home run.
I’m not particularly proud of how uncompassionate this makes me sound BUT…. nothing would turn off my horn switch like a dude that was too tame to sneak a peak at my nips, let alone throw me down for a few days of hot honeymoon action.
The scene of Lauren and Matthew laying in that spa together with his little face peeking out from the top of the water, deep breathing as though he was counting down the seconds until it was over, was probably the least arousing thing I’ve ever seen on TV. I’ve been more turned on watching Jamie Oliver put stuffing up a chicken’s bum.
I get the feeling that Matt was caught masturbating as a teenager and told that sex is an evil, dirty deed designed by the devil and warned that if a drop of semen was to ever escape his peen, he would be sent directly to hell to burn for eternity. This is just a scenario I made up in my head of course, but you’re feeling the vibe too, yeah?
I know this sounds way old school, sexist even, but I LIKE when a man has the confidence to take control in the sack. I know I don’t speak for all women and some ladies would probably find Matt’s awkwardness endearing, but that timidness in bed scores a big fat zero on the attractiveness scale for me. I’d also lay down good money that guys are turned on by assertive women in the same way. It’s that all-consuming feeling of passion, particularly in the early days, when you just can’t keep your hands off one another that we’re all striving for.
The fact is, a dude doesn’t need to have boned 798 strangers to turn a partner on. Even with inexperience, showing someone that you are into them is hot – and the rest will take care of itself. Poor Loz was more than ready for a bit of pork sword, even when Matthew’s constant deep-breathing and asexual moves would have probs dried her up faster than a drop of water in the Sahara.
But they did it.
With a bit of reassurance and probably a Costco-sized tube of lube, the patient and presumably very horny Lauren helped Matt rip off the Band Aid, rendering him whatever the opposite of a virgin is. There’s a good chance that blowing a load is EXACTLY what he needed to relax those shoulders and really start enjoying his MAFS ‘journey’ with his new wife, all while us weirdos watch on like the voyeurs that we are.
And who knows… Matt might end up being a total demon in the sack and Loz has hit the MAFS jackpot. Time will tell…
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