The worst public toilets I have ever seen were in the Serengeti campgrounds I stayed in and also many of the border stops between countries in Africa. Now, I wasn’t expecting them to be modern and gleaming, but I’m talking shit sprayed up the walls and even covering the windows bad. I learned that a bush wee and burying my own shit with a shovel was far better than risking permanent psychological trauma by visiting one of these blocks.
The second worst experience was just the other day in the affluent (not to be confused by effluent) suburb of Northbridge. It was a petrol station that will remain nameless, but oh my god… it looked like a crack den that hadn’t seen a bottle of Domestos since 1972. I was horrified. But busting.
I had no option than to hover nervously over the bowl and do my cheeky wee and get the fuck out of there. I didn’t flush it because I was sure I would get herpes from touching the button, and I also didn’t wash my hands. This is probably why this block is so putrid, as people are too fucking scared to touch anything. And so continues the vicious cycle of filth.
I was so grossed out I couldn’t even bring myself to tell the dude who had a long queue of customers just how bad it was. But I am sure he knew….
Public toilets in parks are my worst fear. I always think I am going to open the door and find someone dead on the ground, which is usually why I kick the door open with my foot too. Never once have I found a dead body, but I am sure one day I will. Have you ever visited one in winter and done a wee? The steam rising from the stainless steel bowl is like a really fucked up aromatherapy mist, and I hold my breath to make sure I don’t inhale any particles from someone else’s arse.
Another pet hate is people who leave the toilet seat down in a public toilet. I will deliberately avoid those ones for two reasons. 1. I am certain they put the lid down to hide the 3-metre anaconda-like shit that didn’t flush properly, and this includes planes, because of ‘Snakes on a Plane’. 2. I would have to touch the seat and die of every disease known to man.
If I am out in a place that is equipped with disabled toilets, I will always pick these over the regular line-up-and-start-tapping-your-toe-as-your-turtle-head-creeps-out situation. But it’s not always smooth sailing in these ones either. They are so big that your kids can just walk over and open the door, because who doesn’t want to press a great big button!? Oh yeah, pants around the ankles as I scuttle towards the door and a sniggering queue of randoms has happened to me, and I’m very ashamed to admit it.
I’m also wary of public toilets with short doors or cracks on either side of the door that are a little too big. Because of creepy people that want to sneak a peek. I remember that old saying in drama school when I was backstage. “If you can see the audience, the audience can see you”. Choose a thin cracked cubicle, or you might just end up in some crazy video on the dark web.
Fuck You Public toilets. Fuck your big cracks and closed seats and stainless steel poopourri in the winter time. Fuck your long queues and your big green buttons way across the other side of the cubicle and your general disgustingness. Fuck the crack den decor and the possibility of seeing a dead body too. It’s bad enough we have to even go anywhere near you, let alone worry about finding a cadaver. You Suck.
This piece was originally published on FuckYouFriday.com.au, where you can read heaps more hilarious musings on life by the very talented Far Kew.