Just prior to my sister’s 40th birthday a couple of years ago, she had a mini-meltdown during one of our phone conversations over turning that number. “Oh, get over it,” I told her in the tactless tone I reserve for my nearest and dearest, “you’re being ridiculous.” “Ok,” she calmly responded, “let’s just wait and see how you feel when you get there.” It’s probably important to note here that I’m four and a half years younger than her, so my Kanye-themed response was, “Imma be sweet, I’ve got zero issues with age. My 40th is gonna be the best birthday of ALL TIME.”
If words could be eaten, mine are being rammed down my throat in a double decker sandwich bigger than my head right now. I’ve still got a good year and a half ahead of me before the big 4-0 knocks on my door and I’m spending more time than I’d like to admit obsessing over my ageing face and body. I hate myself for this because a) admitting that I’m wrong is not one of my strongest qualities and b) ageing is a luxury that so many don’t get to experience, so I should be grateful.
My vanity always wins in the end though. The mirror in my car has become my worst enemy, because every time I go to check whether I have a rogue seed lodged in my teeth or one of those little bits of snot abseiling down one of my nostril hairs, I see yet another wrinkle. In a world where we’ve become accustomed to the click of a filter making you look ten years younger, the harsh reality of daylight pouring in through the car windows shows the real you. While I haven’t ventured into the world of Botox yet, I know when that furrow line in between my brows starts to shit me enough, I can get a jab to iron it out if I want, so just knowing the option is there gives me a bit of comfort.
Where I’ve noticed a big change recently however, is my chest. I can’t even pinpoint anything specific here but it just looks, I don’t know, less supple – especially the skin around the top of my boobs. This bothers me because nine times out of ten my chest is on display, which is because I’ve got massive cans and anything that completely covers my chest or comes up onto my neck makes me look like a fridge. Also, a woman’s decolletage is sexy as hell and I love seeing a hint of sneaky boob action.
If you’re looking for a non-surgical way to give your boobs and chest a bit of the ‘ol sparkle back, the Vampire Breast Lift might be something to consider. Modelled on the Vampire Facial made popular by Kimmy K, the treatment involves extraction of blood from your arm, like a blood test, which is then taken for a spin in a centrifuge and then reinserted right back into your cleave. Cosmetic MD medical director, Dr Herbert Hooi, told Whimn.com.au that the procedure is ideal for women who have lost firmness to their cleavage through general ageing and/or breastfeeding.
“The shape of the breast tends to fall as the breast tissue descends and breast and nipple sensitivity also decreases, which is all part of the ageing process. This option provides women with shapelier breasts, decreases skin sag, reduces wrinkles and increases sensation in the breasts.” SIGN. ME. UP Dr Hooi! While not ideal for women wanting to increase their breast size, this procedure (which is non-surgical and involves just two 60 minute sessions) is perfect for women who want their girls to look a little firmer. And the best bit is that there’s no nasties involved – no weird chemicals or fillers going into your bod, just your own blood. It’s pretty fascinating really.
If you’re not a fan of needles, the Vampire Breast Lift definitely ain’t for you, but if you’re up for it, just make sure you check that your medical provider has all the credentials required to perform the procedure.
Would you consider a Vampire Breast Lift?
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