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Reality Porn Episode Two: The BBQ

Melissa Imbesi by Melissa Imbesi
March 29th, 2018

Karen was in a fluster. It was 4.15pm and she and Todd were expecting guests for dinner at 6.30. As she ran around the house scooping up toys, half-eaten sandwiches and plastic Avengers figurines, she was feeling pissed. She’d sent Todd to the shops an hour ago to pick up a few things for the barbecue they had planned, but he still wasn’t home.

She frantically dialled his number as her three kids went about fucking up the house she’d just spent hours cleaning. “Todd! Where are you? I need a hand and I still haven’t even had a shower! The kids are going nuts and I haven’t started on my Asian Delight side salad because I’m waiting on the cabbage.” She could hear the sound of people around him as he spoke into the phone, “Yeah, sorry babe. Bunnings was having a sale on top soil so I swung by on the way home to grab a few bags and a snag from the sausage sizzle. You want one?” It took everything in her to keep cool as she said, “No. No, thanks. I’d just really like you to get home so you can at least take the kids off my hands.”

15 minutes later Todd arrived home carrying several shopping bags; a blob of tomato sauce sitting on his upper lip. “At your service, madam,” he said as he cheekily bowed down to her. She gave him a gentle whack on the bum with the spring onions she’d just taken from one of the bags. “C’mon, can you just take the kids outside so I can get this stuff done?”

Karen says no to White Crow

Karen says no to White Crow

As she started unpacking the bags, she could feel her blood start to boil. “What the fuck is this?” she whispered as she pulled out a bottle of White Crow tomato sauce from the bag. “Toddddd….” she screamed through the fly screen into the backyard, “What the hell is this?” as she held up the bottle of White Crow. He looked at her, dumbfounded. “Um, sauce.” She rolled her eyes. “I asked for Heinz Tomato Ketchup – what is this shit?” Todd gave her a pride-filled smile, “Yeah, but that was on special babe, so I got two for the price of one!”

Karen knew exactly why Todd got the White Crow instead of the Heinz – and it had nothing to do with the two-for-one special. He was trying to get to her because she’d given him the KB last night. The Knock-Back.

Her mind wandered back to last night. It was 10.19pm and she had stayed up WAY past her bedtime reading Flowers In The Attic for the 98th time as Todd watched sports clips on his phone beside her. With a big yawn, she popped the book down on her bedside table, turned off the lamp and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Night,” she said as she rolled over. Todd obviously thought “Night” meant “Come on over and try your luck” because before she knew it, she felt something hard press against her bum cheeks. “Um, what are you doing?” she turned back and asked him. “You’re just so beautiful. You make me so horny.”

Karen HATED the word ‘horny,’ so Todd had just decreased his chances of getting lucky by about 300% “I’m exhausted,” she told him, “I’ve been prepping all day for the barbecue tomorrow, the kids have been crazy and I haven’t shaved my legs. I’m just not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow night.” Todd let out a large sigh, followed up with a few mumbled phrases under his breath which included, “It’s been a month,” “My balls are swollen” and “Whaddya have to do to get a root around here?” before getting up and spending 15 minutes in the downstairs toilet.

As her mind clicked back into the present moment, Karen thought about how important tonight’s barbecue was. Their middle son Jimmy’s friend Cassie from school was coming over for the first time with her family. Cassie’s family were cashed-up and had a flash holiday house down the coast, so Karen was out to impress. They wanted in on the summer holiday action and hoped that if they struck up a good enough friendship, they’d score an invite in the next school holidays.

He was trying to get to her because she’d given him the KB last night. The Knock-Back.

Carnations: not a girl's best friend.

Carnations: not a girl’s best friend.

But it appears that Todd had decided to freestyle the shopping and went rogue on the list she’d given him. And she was furious. First, the White Crow, and now the hits just kept on rolling. Instead of the good quality sausages from the butcher, Todd got the bulk 24 saver pack from Woolies. She asked for a bunch of Hydrangeas to put at the centre of the table, and he brought home Carnations. With gyp.

Karen remained cool as she practised the deep-breathing techniques she’d picked up from the latest copy of Women’s Weekly, but when she pulled out the wine, she couldn’t contain her rage. She’d asked for a couple of bottles of red and a couple of bottles of white, but the BWS bag contained only two items – a Yalumba cask of Shiraz and another of Chardonnay.

“Cask wine!? You bought cask wine for dinner guests?” she screamed into the backyard. Todd looked up at her. “Ah, just chuck it into a decanter babe, they won’t know the difference. And plus, with the money I saved on the vino, I got those bags of top soil. See? Smart!” he said, tapping his temple. “You’re an idiot,” she muttered under her breath, as she turned around. “AND YOU FORGOT THE FUCKING CABBAGE FOR MY ASIAN SALD!” she screamed.

She was so angry she felt like she was going to burst. Todd cam inside and apologised, “Sorry babe. Look, I’ve gotta go back to Bunnings and get a gas bottle for the barbie. I’ll grab you a cabbage while I’m out. And I’ll take the kids with me.” Karen sighed, looked over at his apologetic face, still with the blob of sauce on his upper lip, and said, “Thank you.”

By 6.30, everything was in order as the doorbell rang. Karen took a deep breath in as she greeted Cassie and her family at the door and led them into the kitchen. “Come meet my husband Todd,” she said as they walked out into the backyard. Todd was standing at the barbecue, tongs in hand, as he turned around and extended his free hand. “G’day, I’m Todd,” he said. But no one was looking at Todd. They were too busy looking at the giant pair of tits on the novelty apron he was wearing as a voice inside Karen’s head said, “Goodbye, Summer Holidays.”

Have a listen to episode two of our new podcast, Show+Telling, below, then head here to subscribe to our pod.

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