Love + Sex, Relationships

What would you NEVER do in front of your partner?

Melissa Imbesi by Melissa Imbesi
March 19th, 2016

We’ve all got boundaries in our relationships, right?  Some are stricter than others, but I think you’d agree that we’ve all got them.

My no-go zone is poo.

My husband and I are pretty open with each other – we burp, we fart, we pick our noses, and he lets me squeeze the recurring blackhead on his back. You know, the every day stuff of a human in a long-term relationship. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for 20, so the idea of holding on to my farts every day for that long gives me wind pains just to think about.

I do, however, draw the line at poo. I’m not sure what it is, but I just can’t poo when he’s around and by ‘around’ I mean I can’t do it if he’s anywhere in earshot of my shit.

He thinks I’m mad, but if we’re in bed and I’ve got to go, even if it’s during the night and he’s snoring his head off, I won’t use our en suite. I’ll go down stairs where there’s no chance of him hearing ‘the splash’. Is this weird or are you with me?

Now that you know my intimacy achilles heel, you can just imagine how insanely I freaked out I was when I pooed while delivering our daughter. I could feel it happening and I wanted to try and stop it, but the urge to push was too great. I followed through and coupled with the intense pain of birth, I wanted to die. I was screaming out, “no, no, no!” as it was happening – it was seriously like some twisted scene in a rom-com gone wrong. Because he knows how screwed I am in the poo department he said to me, “don’t worry, you didn’t poo. I think you just farted.” So sweet, but this just raised the cringe bar even higher for me.

A few years ago, Kyle Sandilands admitted on-air in an interview with American Pie actor Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen that he helps his long-term girlfriend, Imogen Anthony, insert her tampons.  “My girlfriend, she has huge Rihanna claw nails, y’know those glue-in things, whatever they are,” Kyle said. “I had to insert her tampon the other day for her. And I thought, ‘That’s what true love is.'”

And you know, I’d have to agree.

Kyle and Imogen

Kyle and Imogen

There comes a point in a relationship where you need to step in for each other, even in the grossest of circumstances.  While a pair of long acrylic talon nails might not be a do-or-die scenario, Kyle helped his lady love out when she needed it. They were both obviously comfortable enough for it not to be a big deal so you know, each to their own.

I know that if tomorrow my husband was incapacitated in some way, I’d wipe his arse in a heartbeat. I’d use a gentle hand and finish off with a Wet One for extra comfort. I might even slather on a bit of nappy cream to make the experience a five-star one. And I’d let him do the same for me if there was no other choice With ear muffs to block out the sound of course.

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What is your no go-zone?