Oh my god, where to fucking start. Aldi, I heart you. You do what it says on the box and provide me with good quality essentials at a reasonable cost. I was a convert way before it was accepted to shop in Aldi and risked the povo associations for years until you became legit. Your “versions” of the big brands are just as good, and we know it actually is the real thing just with another label on it. Except for your crumpets. Which are really shit.
And most of your stuff is Australian too, which is pretty fucking important when the whole world is now made in China. Dick Smith had a good crack at his own Aussie versions of food, but I just couldn’t bring myself to eat anything that had the word “Dick” on the packaging. So you filled the gap.
But I’ve got some major fucking beef with the centre aisle specials. I get a bit over excited when your brochure hits my mailbox and I’m diving around in there flicking the snails off (got a snail problem in my mailbox, more on that later) just to be one of the first to see what’s coming out next Wednesday and Saturday. It’s like you can read my fucking mind and know exactly what I need. Office chairs when mine is about to fall to bits, ramekins when I’ve been watching Masterchef, fluffy towels when the old ones look a bit crap and an air fryer when I’m thinking about frying something. It’s becoming a problem because I’m running out of fucking room in my home for all this shit!
Last time I counted I had 9 Crofton frypans, 12 Serra merino wool tops, 5 pairs of Crane bicycle shorts, 14 assorted Lumina appliances (including the fucking air fryer) and that doesn’t count the more random and rare special buys. There’s the pop up sun tent, a caravan cover (for a caravan I don’t yet own), a chest freezer, garden gnomes, Pete Evans kale cook books (jokes!), kids books, hats, snow gear, toilet brushes, snap lock containers, travel mugs, candles, cake decorating kits, you get my drift. You sell it, I buy it.
And I CANNOT FUCKING STOP.
I even signed up to the email newsletter so I can use your “reminder” button ensuring I don’t miss out on the next genius bit of marketing. I reckon that’s just evil. You are preying on my fucking weakness. I haven’t feel this out of control since Vince and his ShamWow and Slap Chop made me lose sleep.
You don’t have self-serve checkouts either. I like that about you ALDI! Because those things make me really fucking shitty, more rants on those later…..
It’s almost 3pm and I have to go and pick up my kids (and find Ethel), but not before I get into Aldi for cycling specials and sustainable seafood-in-a-can. I hope I’m not too late.
So this one is bittersweet Aldi. Fuck You. But let’s still be friends.
For more SUPER funny posts from Far Kew visit Fuck You Friday.