Lifestyle, What's On Our Mind

Fake tan is basically my crack. It’s ruining my sex life, sheets and towels.

Monty by Monty
May 16th, 2016

I’m a fake tan junkie. I can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s hands-down my crack. I apply it to my face EVERY night. I’m so pale that if I go fake tan free, people ask me if I’m sick. No shit. I’m so pale I’m basically translucent.

My fake tan addiction has wrecked havoc on night time intimacy, my linen and my towels. Will this stop me from fake tanning the shit out of myself? Hells no!!

The panic I feel when I’m in bed ready to go to sleep and my partner casually says something like; ” it’s going to be 25 degrees tomorrow’ is next level. I bounce out of bed quicker that a wippet, bolt to the bathroom and lather my ‘crack’ all over my body. My legs will not see the light of day unless a lovely tinge of orange covers them. It’s an addiction and one I’m pretty sure I’ll take to my grave.

I’m not alone when it comes to my fake tan love affair, in fact, I’m in fabulous company. Chrissy Teigan for one is bang up for bronzing herself and proves that no matter how hot you are or how well your husband belts out a tune, you are not exempt from fake tan ruining your sheets.

Case in point below…


I personally would frame that if I was Chrissy, that  is a piece of arsey art. Bum crack and all, extremely impressive.

Sadly, there is little we can do to avoid the fake tan aftermath. It comes hand in hand with vanity and it’s a small price to pay for a summer glow. I do attempt to minimise linen damage by sleeping in what I call ‘The Sausage roll’ though. The ‘sausage roll’ is essentially a large sheet sewn up all around the edges, kind of like a sleeping bag with no zip. It was red when I bought it but it’s now odd mix of dirty brown and dark orange with a tinge of red. It saves my white sheets to some extent, but I tend to get so freaking hot sleeping with fake tan that the sauso usually ends up on the floor. I wish wearing fake tan to bed didn’t make me feel like I was sleeping in a wet suit.  If I’m super quite at night, I’m pretty sure I can hear my pours gasping for air.

There is another little something that helps the stained sheets if you can’t be arsed with the sausage roll sheet and it’s called Bleach. Bleach the shit out of them and they will be as good as gold.

Check out a crafty hack how to avoid fake tan hands here.

What is your relationship with fake tan like?