Relationships, What's On Our Mind

How to break up with your shrink

Ashe Davenport by Ashe Davenport
March 21st, 2013

It’s not me, it’s you.

That awkward moment when you realise that you’d rather spend the $220 it costs for a therapy session on shoes or a miniature pig or something a little less self-indulgent, though not as helpful to the economy. Instead, you’re spending $3.50 a minute to talk to a guy about your life and listen to the stuff they say in response, as is customary to the practice of psychotherapy.

Breaking up with your shrink is hard to do. You’ve shared your most private thoughts, your dreams, your crippling fear of being in an enclosed space with a pigeon. And then one day you realise that he hasn’t said anything new or inspiring for a while. Nor has he done much to disprove your theory that he’s lost his passion for the job and tries to make up for it by wearing quirky vests and hats. But perhaps most importantly, to quote Tolstoy, “You’re just not that into him.”

Here are some helpful hints to get you off that couch and onto another one…

  1. images-1 Say you’re away next week and never call them again. (passive aggressive, non-confrontational)
  2. Accuse him/her of having romantic feelings for you and therefore witholding their help in order to keep seeing you. (narcissistic, paranoid)
  3. Befriend their partner and surprise them by being inside their house one day. Hold eye contact without saying anything when their partner leaves the room. (sociopath)
  4. During sessions, always blow your nose into your hands then wipe them on the couch. (annoying, gross)
  5. Catch them on their lunch break and perform ‘So Long, Farewell’ from the Sound of Music. They’ll get the message. Or failing that feel so out of their depth they’ll write you a referral. (TIP: Make sure you do this at least 48 hours before your next appointment to avoid a cancellation fee).

Good luck with your break up. And remember, if it’s not working for you, get out of there! You deserve to find the Ralph Greenson to your Marilyn Monroe, the Robin Williams to your Good Will Hunting. Your perfect shrink is waiting for you.