I think I’m a pretty strong, confident and independent gal, but in the back of my mind, for a long time, I just assumed at some point he would get up and leave me.
After doing work on this with one or two counsellors, the reason was as obvious as a flashing beacon. Because my parents split up when I was five, and my dad moved onto another relationship, I guess I subconsciously took on the thoughts that men leave. I mean if my dad could then all men obviously could right? It’s hard to get your head around your parents splitting up when you are so young, and I guess a part of us feels that maybe the parent who moves out kinda left us too.
Sam and I have been together for 12 years now, with two babies as well as being mortgaged up to our eyeballs, it’s fair to say Sam is in it for the long haul. Rationally I know this too, but there is a little part of me that still carries the belief that maybe at some point this will end. It’s hard to undo a thought pattern that you made as a kid, you grow up living your life convincing yourself that those thoughts are facts…when they can actually be the opposite.
These thoughts of Sam one day leaving me don’t make me needy, if anything they make me switch off and almost go cold. It’s like I go into self protection mode which is actually a pain in the ass for both of us. It doesn’t happen often these days but I guess sometimes when I’m feeling vulnerable for whatever reason, I have to consciously make sure that I don’t make more meaning out of what is actually going on.
I think a lot of people have these kinds of feelings for different reasons, and especially when it’s the kid version of yourself who created these thought patterns for you. It could be from something as little as someone walking off on you in the playground, to having friends move schools, to the good old fashioned family breakdown.
I spoke about this with the super bloody awesome Erin Molan who went to 16 schools when she was younger. Fair to say she has experienced similar feelings to this. Check it out below.