Parenting, What's On Our Mind

Why did NO-ONE ever tell me THIS about potty training?

Monty by Monty
January 13th, 2014

Ok, so people tell you how difficult potty training can be but they don’t tell you that the worst part of it is the CABIN FEVER!

I am writing this from the confines of my house, within the same four walls I have been trapped in for the last 72 hours.

My two year old son is in the middle of learning to wee and poo in a potty. So far, so good. Only one big accident on the floor and about 72 urinations, I consider that a win, right?

As foul as the continual wiping of his mini butt and ‘doodle’, ‘dicki’, ‘penis’ (or whatever you call it) is, I can tolerate it. I signed up for guiding this kid through his life and if the least I can do is teach him to poo in a bowl then I shall do it.

I happily reward him for his success and pretend I’m not furious for his mishaps. (have you ever tried to get poo out of carpet? hmmm.)

jelly-beansWe have a fabulous reward/bribery system that is working a treat. Wee= smiley face sticker, Poo= Spiderman sticker and two jelly beans.  I whole heartedly encourage any parent who is about to embark on the training journey to bribe with whatever your kids poison is. My son is a sticker fiend,so they are doing the trick –  topped with a hit of sugar and he is as happy as Larry. Surrender to whatever your offspring desires and don’t look back. Chocolate, lollies, coke, Macca’s chips, Tonka trucks or Babrie dolls. It may send you broke in the process but a toilet trained kid is the best kind.

I get pure delight in watching my son sit on the potty as his little face goes bright red on his quest for a sugary treat and spidey sticker. We high-five and cheer with every bodily function that is a success. Over all, the actual potty training part isn’t as tortuous as I’d originally thought. Each day he is getting the hang of it a little more.

Bax potty training. Bad Mummy for putting this up. Ha.

Bax potty training. Bad Mummy for putting this up. Ha.

The part that is killing me slowly, sooo slowly is the fact that leaving the house is not an option at the moment. I’m not prepared to go to a coffee shop and have to race out due to soiled track pants and I can’t brave the park as there is something extra gross about cleaning baby crap off a slide.

No one warned me about this part. About the isolation and feeling like a prisioner in the comfort of your own home. Dramatic but true!  Normally you have to drag me kicking and screaming from my couch, but the fact I can barely leave it at the moment is driving me bonkers.

I am day dreaming about running for miles, doing yoga classes and having bottles of champagnes by the sea. I realise these thoughts are ludicrous as I have barely run a mile in my life, find yoga a tad tedious and get a migraine from champagne. But these dreams are the only thing keeping me relatively sane.

There are a million lists, guides and words of support on how to potty train mini humans but no such words on how WE survive it. Below are my suggestions for you to share far and wide. Survival tips for the potty training lockdown.

1. Enrol your nearest and dearest to visit. You parents, your bestie, or even the lollipop man, seriously you will crave some interaction with people that can wipe their own ass. Book in a visitor or two everyday.

2. Stock up on kids TV shows and movies and plonk your kid (on the potty if need me) in front of the TV. Then grab your lap top, wack in your ear phones and catch up on Homeland.

3. Cook. Before embarking on the lock down do a big supermarket shop and cook up a storm of food. Stuff you can freeze for future dinners or a decadent pav and eat it all on your own! You might as well tick off a few off the to-do list while in isolation.

Note: cleaning hands on a five minute basis is essential if you undertake this activity.

4.  Reward yourself with each success your tot has. It’s a team effort after all. “One jelly bean for you six for me”.

5. It is totally acceptable to start throwing back wine from midday during the lockdown duration. I know people say numbing the pain is dangerous, I say it’s essential.

I wish you luck if you are about to undertake the task of potty training your kid. It’s all about preparation and planning, keeping yourself sane and knowing that persistence will pay off. I should be able to leave my abode any day now. Right? RIGHT?

How did you find your potty training experience?