Relationships, What's On Our Mind

Will a little porn do the trick?

Laura Jackel by Laura Jackel
July 14th, 2015

As I get older and more battered by the ups and downs of life, I have noticed that my sex life and the sex lives of others does not hold as much interest and importance as it once did. Back in my twenties when sex was just about conquests and fun, it was a hilarious topic to chat about whilst downing pre-club Mojitos with friends. Once you get hitched however, talking about married sex is pretty much off-limits as it becomes very personal, intimate, complicated and not always laughable.

As we try and balance our busy lives as working professionals with being that of mothers, wives or partners, coupled with the pressures of ageing and looking a certain way, it is no wonder we are confused and conflicted about sex and our desires. It is not always as easy to talk to friends in the way we once did.

sexI have been married nearly 13 years now, and way before E.L James and her Mr Grey came on the scene, I was comfortable reading erotic fiction, getting into bedroom role-play, and watching the odd porn film. I did however suffer from patches of disenchantment and worry. Were we having sex enough? Should we be more experimental? Did other couples watch porn together or was that weird? I wasn’t sure what was normal when it came to sex at my age and stage, so I decided to ask some willing Facebook volunteers to help me out with a survey.

I had just over 30 brave and willing female respondents in total. Their thoughts on sex, fantasy and fulfilment provided a lot of insight into the bedrooms of couples and single women over thirty.

The women that responded quickly were the lucky ladies with good sex lives who were quite comfortable talking, reading and watching sex in its many forms. Communication between partners and laughter were unsurprisingly, important factors. One happy and quite frankly, very lucky married woman gave this account:

“Much to my surprise our sex life is better than ever. This surprises me as we have three kids and we both work. I guess it might be because we have a very fun and loving relationship.

“Having sex multiple times (3-5) a week really keeps us connected. It makes me feel wanted and desired as a wife. It’s a good feeling to know that your husband wants to have sex with you, and makes a wonderful effort each and every time.”

Another gorgeous woman who has been married more than eight years and without children, also told how her sex life seems to be getting better with age:

“I feel as though I’m really only starting to explore my sexuality and the power it has now. I just feel more comfortable with my body, and I am more open to exploring different things to spice it up.

“I always used to worry that we weren’t doing ‘it’ enough but now I don’t. We do it when it feels right, rather than based on ‘OMG it’s been x number of days’. The sex is so much better – more passion, more connection and the orgasms are amazing!”

pWhat I wasn’t expecting but was pleased to find out was that for the majority of respondents, a bit of female friendly (and often lesbian) porn on the iPad, bedroom tie-ups, sex toys and erotic fiction, were quite common. In fact 27 out of the 30 ladies admitted to watching porn or erotic movies at some point in their lives. With the most common complaint being it was too fake, too aggressive or that they were worried about the welfare of those involved.

As one very thoughtful woman surmised:

“I’m more into story and substance. I would say we watch a lot of art house and European movies that include simulated sex and erotic material but its not just sex for sex sake. I also worry about the potential exploitation of people in the pornography industry.”

The majority who expressed dissatisfaction in the bedroom department felt unable to talk openly with their spouses or friends. Even though they might have experimented in the past with naughtiness: years of marriage, childbirth and child rearing made them feel too exhausted or weirded-out to try again. This woman summed it up perfectly:

“Being in a relationship for so many years means our sex life has been difficult at times. When we are able to talk about it honestly with each other and express how both of us are feeling, it often creates that interest and exploration again, but it can be difficult to start the conversation after so many years together.”

Overwhelmingly I found reading about the details of other women’s sex lives to be a real privilege. It was for the most part very heartfelt, inspiring and extremely thought provoking.

One honest woman spoke of having an affair, which after years of marriage made her feel sexy again.

“I think being with one person for a long time is not easy and that sexually you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I have had an affair and while I am in no way proud of it, I’m not sure I regret it either.

“I met someone who sexually was very different to my husband and we connected. We had similar tastes in music, comedy, made each other laugh a lot and in general had a fantastic time. I admit that we also didn’t have all the day-to-day drudgery that comes with being married and so I understand that the relationship wasn’t based in reality. ”

pFrom the feedback I received it sure seems that us ladies, myself included, are keen to feel sexy and have sex, with many ladies happily getting it on, even after many years with the same person. The importance of taking time to be with each other, to laugh and to simply talk cannot be underestimated when it comes to a healthy sex life. A little bit of shared erotic movie watching, experimentation and sexy book reading can come in handy too.

The difficulties lie in the realities of the everyday. The tiredness that comes with working, ageing and child rearing are all counter productive when it comes to enjoying an active sex life. I know that for me, it is hard to even think about sex when I have spent the afternoon picking hardened rice bubbles off the floor. We are all guilty of getting too caught up in the daily grind and therefore forgetting what a joy great sex can be.

What I have learned from this little experiment however is that I am not alone. Perhaps us ladies need to start talking a lot more – certainly to our partners but also to each other, over the odd Mojito or two. Those rice bubbles are just going to have to wait.

For those looking for a bit of inspiration in the bedroom either solo or with a partner, why not have a look at these way better than 50 Shades (in my opinion) erotic reads and saucy viewing options:

Sexy Books

1) Eat Me – Linda Jaivin
2) The Sexual Life of Catherine M – Catherine Millet
3) Lady Chatterley’s Lover – D.H. Lawrence
4) Behind the Mask – Emma Sayle & Suzanne Kerins
5) Intimacy – Hanif Kureishi

Sexy Films/TV shows

1) Pretty much any episode of Game of Thrones (2011- 2015)
2) Basic Instinct (1992)
3) Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
4) Last Tango in Paris (1972)
5) Betty Blue (1986)

Personal one, are you happy with your sex life?

Loading...